The Role Values Play In Our Lives And Relationships
Have you ever heard the saying “opposites attract”?
Many of us have experienced being in a relationship with someone different from ourselves. We might believe that our differences help to balance out our shortcomings and make us feel whole in one way or another.
However, sometimes we experience a devastating realization that the essence of who we are is worlds apart from our partner. We find our principles, what is important to us, our beliefs and our outlook on every aspect of life are on separate poles.
This realization can lead to the excitement of opposites attracting ending in failed relationships and marriages, causing more heartache and pain than we could have ever anticipated.
The problem does not lie in people with opposite personality traits being attracted to each other. The issue arises when the core value sets of two people in a relationship are at opposite extremes.
Our value sets are not only a framework we use to make decisions or thought patterns that guide our behaviour. Values are the very essence of who we are. They play a fundamental role in shaping our identity and worldview.
Values are the beliefs and principles we hold to be significant. They are the things we find worthy of respect, such as honesty, kindness, fairness, loyalty, and courage. Our values help us make sense of the world around us.
Our values determine how we approach every area of our lives, including our relationships.
Disregarding the values we hold as significant can lead us to reject who we are and lose ourselves in the relationship.
While we might be able to put up a face and go with the flow for a while, it is not sustainable behaviour.
The result can be frustration eating us from the inside, to such a point that it overshadows the happiness in our relationship.
When two individuals share similar values, they are more likely to understand and support each other’s choices and decisions. On the other hand, conflicting values can create friction and disagreements in a relationship. Therefore, it is essential to understand our values and the values of our partners to build healthy and strong relationships.
So how do we know what our values are?
One way to understand our values is to identify what is important to us, how we approach life, and how we want to live.
We can start by asking ourselves questions such as:
- What is most important to me in life?
- What am I passionate about?
- What are the things people do that make me angry?
- What are the values I live by?
- What are the values that guide my decisions and actions
- What do I want to pass on to my children or the people around me?
Values can come from many sources, including upbringing, culture, religion, and personal experiences.
It is important to note that our values are not right or wrong, good or bad. They are what we hold to be significant and shape our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Therefore, it is crucial to respect and honour the values of others, even if they are different from ours.
In relationships, it is essential to communicate our values and understand those of our partners. This can help us to avoid misunderstandings, conflicts, and disappointment. When we know and understand each other’s values, we can appreciate and support each other’s choices and decisions, even when we disagree in our approaches.
We must also remember that values are not set in stone. Our values can change as we grow and learn.
Therefore, it is essential to have ongoing conversations with our partners about our values and how they are evolving. This can help us stay connected as we grow and build a relationship aligned with our values.
Values are not only what we believe to be true about life. Values set our life and the direction we take in life. Values are an outflow of who we are.
To build and maintain a healthy and strong relationship, we need to:
- Know our values.
- Know how our values shape our thoughts, decisions and actions.
- Communicate our values to the one we love.
- Respect those of our partners.
- Find ways to align our values in our relationship.
- Remember that values change as we grow.
Yes, we as humans differ, yet there is no excuse to allow the differences to destroy our relationship.
We can overcome the differences and build healthy relationships with the ones we love.
To help you determine the value set you live by, you can download the free worksheet.
Talk again soon.
Belinda Pieterse — ReDefine