Improve Your Active Listening Skill

Communication is the heartbeat of any relationship.

But it is not just about the words we exchange but the depth of understanding we cultivate.

When we develop the skill of Active listening, we can create deep connections in a world filled with noise and distractions.

Active listening is not a passive act.

It’s an intentional and engaged communication that requires your undivided presence.

It involves comprehending the emotions and perspectives behind every word.

It’s like giving them your full attention and making them feel heard and valued.

But how do we grow this powerful skill?

Here are some practical tips to grow your active listening skills:

• Give Your Full Attention: When someone is talking to you, put away distractions like your phone or other devices. Make eye contact and show that you’re fully present.
• Show You’re Listening: Nod your head occasionally or use verbal cues like “I see” or “Go on” to show your engagement in the conversation.
• Empathize: Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Understand their feelings and emotions.
• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Encourage the speaker to share more by asking open-ended questions like “Can you tell me more about that?” or “How did that make you feel?”
• Reflect and Paraphrase: Summarize what the person has said to ensure you’ve understood correctly. You can say, “So, what I’m hearing is…” or “If I understand correctly…”
• Use Nonverbal Cues: Pay attention to the speaker’s body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. These can often convey more than words.
• Practice Patience: Some people take time to open up. Be patient and give them space to express themselves at their own pace.
• Stay Calm and Relaxed: Your emotions can sometimes get in the way of active listening. Stay calm and relaxed so you can better understand the other person.

When we engage in active listening, there are some pitfalls we must be aware of and avoid.

These pitfalls can cause the speaker to feel unheard and not valued and will bring emotional distance in the relationship.

Here are the pitfalls to avoid during active listening:

• Interrupting: Interrupting someone during a difficult conversation can be counterproductive and frustrating for the other person. Let them finish speaking before you respond.
• Judgment and Criticism: Avoid passing judgment or criticizing the person’s thoughts or feelings. Show empathy and understanding instead.
• Defensiveness: It’s natural to want to defend yourself during challenging conversations, but it can hinder active listening. Try to listen without immediately becoming defensive.
• Offering Unsolicited Advice: Unless the person explicitly asks for advice, resist the urge to provide solutions. Sometimes, people only need to be heard and understood.
• Invalidating Feelings: Never tell someone their feelings are wrong or don’t matter. Acknowledge their emotions and perspectives, even if you disagree.
• Changing the Subject: Stay focused on the topic at hand. Changing the subject can make the person feel like you’re avoiding the issue or not taking it seriously.
• Making it About You: Avoid making the conversation about your experiences or feelings. It can detract from the other person’s need to express themselves.
• Raising Your Voice: Yelling or raising your voice can trigger negative emotions. It is crucial to keep your voice calm and respectful.
• Blaming or Accusing: Blaming the other person or accusing them of causing the issue can escalate the conflict. Instead, focus on understanding their perspective.
• Using Hurtful Language: Be mindful of the words you choose. Hurtful or offensive language can make the conversation more difficult and painful.
• Nonverbal Neglect: Don’t forget about your nonverbal cues. Avoid eye-rolling, sighing, or other dismissive gestures that can be hurtful.

You can contribute to more constructive and understanding interactions by avoiding these pitfalls.

Active listening may sound like hard work, but refining this skill will create a safe and empathetic space for the other person to share their thoughts and feelings.

Which in turn will bring deeper connection and intimacy to your relationship.

Refined active listening will make the other person feel:

• Valued: Active listening conveys that you genuinely care about what the person is saying. They feel valued and respected because you’re giving them your full attention.
• Understood: Active listening helps the person feel that you “get” them, which can be incredibly validating.
• Supported: People often feel supported when they sense you are there to listen and empathize. This support can be emotionally reassuring, especially during difficult conversations.
• Less Alone: Difficult moments in life can be isolating. Active listening can help people feel less alone in their experiences, knowing someone is willing to listen without judgment.
• Safe: Creating a non-judgmental and empathetic environment through active listening can make the person feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings openly.
• Empowered: When you actively listen, you encourage the person to share more, which can lead to a sense of empowerment. They may feel more confident in expressing themselves and working through the issue.

Over time, consistently practising active listening can contribute to the growth of stronger, healthier, and more meaningful relationships.

So, as you embark on your journey honing your active listening skills, remember that you’re not just becoming a better listener.

You are becoming a better friend, partner, and confidant.

Your willingness to truly hear others and create a safe, empathetic space for them to express themselves is a gift that can transform lives and strengthen the bonds that hold us together.

So, let us transform relationships and lives, one conversation at a time.

Talk again soon.

Belinda Pieterse — ReDefine Relationship Coach