How To Fight Disappointment In Relationships

Disappointment, that unexpected plot twist in life, it’s like eagerly unwrapping a gift only to find it’s not what you expected.

That sense of letdown or sadness when reality doesn’t match your hopes or expectations can be overwhelming.

Once disappointment gets hold of our hearts, it can lead to frustration, resentment and, in the end, even a life without hope.

The problem with experiencing disappointment is that it is not the life events that hit us the hardest; it is the small daily moments of disappointment that impact us most.

So, how do we stop this from happening?

We start by understanding and managing our expectations better.

Expectations are like the mental blueprints we create for how we think things should go down.

It is the script we write for the movie of our lives.

Where Do Expectations Come From

Past Experiences: Your brain is like a giant learning machine. It takes what happened before and tries to predict what might happen next. If something went a certain way in the past, your brain might expect a similar outcome in a similar situation.
Social Influences: We often absorb expectations from our families, friends, and the broader community. It’s like inheriting a set of expectations about how life events should unfold based on what’s considered normal or acceptable in your social circle.
Personal Hopes and Desires: Your dreams and desires contribute, too. If you’ve always dreamed of having a grand celebration on your birthday, that dream becomes part of your expectations.
Media and Culture: Movies, books, TV shows — they all contribute to the expectations we form. Sometimes, we get caught up in the romanticized or dramatized versions of events, leading us to expect our lives to mirror what we see on screen.

So, expectations are like a recipe where all these ingredients mix to create this mental projection of how things should unfold.

With this new understanding of where expectations come from, we can see that not all expectations are healthy.

Some can be harmful.

So, how do we distinguish between healthy and unhealthy expectations?

Healthy Expectations:

Realistic: Healthy expectations are grounded in reality. They’re achievable and take into account the actual circumstances and possibilities.
Flexible: They allow room for change and adaptation. Life doesn’t always follow a script.
Communicated: When dealing with others, expressing your expectations openly and listening to theirs is crucial. It fosters understanding and avoids misunderstandings.

Unhealthy Expectations:

Unrealistic: If your expectations are beyond achievable, you set yourself up for disappointment.
Rigid: If your mental script is in stone and any deviation throws you off balance, it’s not the healthiest setup. Life is full of surprises, after all.
Not Communicated: Assuming others know what you expect or think without actually expressing it can lead to frustration. It’s like expecting someone to read your mind. And it is unfair.

The difference boils down to how well your expectations align with reality, your ability to adapt when things don’t go as planned, and whether you communicate your expectations effectively.

How do we align our expectations with reality?

Check Your Assumptions: Take a moment to question your assumptions. Are you assuming things will go a certain way without solid evidence? Challenge unrealistic thoughts and bring in a dose of reality.
Reflect on Past Experiences: Consider similar situations from your past. What happened then? Reflecting on past outcomes can give you valuable insights into what you can realistically expect this time around.
Stay Open to Possibilities: Embrace the idea that things might not go as planned, and that’s okay. Life is unpredictable, and being open to different outcomes can reduce the shock if things take an unexpected turn.
Communicate Clearly: Whether it’s with yourself or others. Express your expectations openly and honestly. It helps avoid misunderstandings.
Focus on What You Can Control: Some things are beyond our control. Identify what aspects of a situation you can influence and concentrate your energy there. It’s empowering.
Set Realistic Goals: If you’re setting goals, use the SMART approach (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). This framework helps ensure that your expectations are practical and attainable.

Remember, having high hopes and dreams is good, but balancing them with a realistic understanding of the situation is crucial.

Life is full of surprises, and sometimes, the unexpected turns out to be even better than what we had in mind.

However, to experience the better, we must adapt to the new.

How do we adapt when things don’t go according to our expectations?

Adapting when things don’t go according to your expectations is a skill that involves a mix of internal mindset and external actions.

Here are some steps and considerations to help you navigate those moments:

Pause and Acknowledge: Take a moment to acknowledge your feelings. It’s okay to be disappointed, frustrated, or surprised. Recognizing and accepting your emotions is the first step in dealing with them.
Adjust Your Perspective: Try to see the situation from a different angle. Is there a silver lining or an opportunity for growth? Shifting your perspective can open up new possibilities and help you move forward.
Practice Acceptance: Understand that not everything is within your control, and accepting that things don’t always go as planned is crucial for building resilience. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
Learn from the Experience: Every unexpected situation is a chance to learn. Reflect on what happened and what you learned. This knowledge can be valuable for future endeavours.
Cultivate Resilience: Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks. Strengthen this quality by developing a positive mindset, maintaining a support system, and building coping strategies. Resilience helps you navigate challenges with greater ease.
Adjust Your Goals: If necessary, reassess your goals in light of the new circumstances. Modify your expectations and set realistic, achievable objectives. It doesn’t mean giving up on your dreams but adjusting the path to reach them.
Seek Support: Talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through. Sharing your thoughts and feelings can provide emotional support and different perspectives. It reminds you that you’re not alone in facing challenges.
Focus on Solutions: Instead of dwelling on what went wrong, channel your energy into finding solutions. What steps can you take to improve the situation or move forward? Proactive problem-solving can be empowering.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Everyone faces setbacks, and it doesn’t diminish your worth or abilities.

The last aspect is communicating our expectations to the one we love.

The worst mistake we can make, definitely setting us up for disappointment, is if we assume that our partner knows what we expect from them and the relationship.

Assertive communication is paramount to making our relationship intimate and unbreakable.

Here are a few pointers.

Choose the Right Time and Place: Timing matters. Pick a calm and private setting without distractions.
Be Clear and Specific: Vague expectations can lead to misunderstandings. Clearly articulate what you expect, providing specific details.
Use “I” Statements: Frame your expectations using “I” statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory.
Express Why It Matters to You: Help your partner understand the significance of your expectations. Share how meeting these expectations contributes to your well-being and a healthy relationship.
Be Open to Feedback: Communication is a two-way street. Encourage your partner to share their expectations and feelings as well.
Avoid Assumptions: Don’t assume your partner knows what you want, need or think. Clearly express your expectations.
Listen Actively: Communication is not just about speaking; it’s also about listening. Pay attention to your partner’s response, ask follow-up questions, and demonstrate that you value their perspective.
Find Compromises: Be willing to find compromises that work for both of you. This collaborative approach strengthens the relationship and creates a sense of shared responsibility.
Revisit and Revise: As circumstances change, so might your expectations. Periodically revisit the topic to ensure your expectations align with the current state of the relationship.

As you navigate the twists and turns of life, remember that disappointment is not the end but a catalyst for growth if you healthily manage your expectations.

Talk again soon

Belinda Pieterse — ReDefine Relationship Coach