Relationships — the one topic every single person on planet earth knows about and has experienced.

We live in a world built around relationships.

Whether it is a relationship with your spouse, your child, your boss, or your neighbour, relationships form the foundation of our society.

With us subjected to a life of relationships, one should think that we are supposed to know it all and have it all under control. Yet, most of us know very little, and often things are not under control.

Relationships, which form the foundation of our existence, often cause us unbearable pain and deep-rooted frustration, leaving us with self-doubt and self-blame.

We reach out to friends, family and even google, desperately seeking guidance to deal with relationship problems and build healthy relationships with each other.

Yet, we keep on struggling with our relationships.

Why is this?

The missing puzzle pieces

Setting healthy boundaries, communicating better, and building trust are all fundamental to healthy relationships

However, from my experience, I know that it is also far easier said than done. Knowing what to do, does not mean that we can do it.

You see, coming from a broken marriage, where nothing I did was right or good enough, chipped away at my confidence, actually at my very being.

I lost sight of who I am and what is important to me and drowned in a sea of self-doubt and self-condemnation.

To make things even worse, I never had the freedom to say how I felt or what I thought. It would always end up in a fight, and in the end, I just decided that it was not worth the emotional turmoil or my energy.

I realised that my confidence, self-esteem, ability to communicate assertively, deal with conflict, and especially set boundaries were just non-existing.

Furthermore, not being able or willing to share what goes on in my mind or the deepest part of my heart left me alone and enormously frustrated.

And this spilled over to every other relationship in my life, and I became the world’s number one people pleaser.

That is when I found the missing puzzle piece in building healthy relationships.

It starts with building a healthy relationship with yourself.

Relationship with self — leading the way

Let me explain.

To communicate better in relationships, we must know what we need, feel, and think. We must also know how certain things others do influence us.

To set boundaries, we must know what is important to us and what the effect is if what is important to us is threatened.

To build trust, we must first trust ourselves and see ourselves as worthy.

A sense of self in a relationship does not only mean spending time apart and doing things on your own. It means knowing and understanding yourself, being comfortable with yourself, and having confidence. As we grow more comfortable with ourselves and more confident, we will be able and willing to share what is going on in our minds and hearts with the people around us.

Then, and only then, we will manage outward relationships better.

It all starts with first building a healthy relationship with ourselves.

So, how do we build a healthy relationship with ourselves?

I know the concept of building a healthy relationship with yourself might sound weird, but this is how I see it.

If you are in a relationship with someone special, you want to know everything about them — what they like, their dislikes, what is important to them, their struggles, why they do things in a certain way, etc.

The same must apply to ourselves.

Knowing what we like, our dislikes, what is important to us, and our strengths and weaknesses, will help us better understand ourselves. And then we can communicate everything we learned to the people around us.

It truly all starts with us.

Here are a few practical tips on building a better understanding of yourself.

• Make a list of what is important to you — your values
• Make a list of things you like to do — your preferences
• Make a list of things that make you angry — your frustrations
• Make a list of things you are good at — your strengths
• Make a list of things you are not so good at — your weaknesses.

The lists you can make are endless. Once you start, you will find it exciting.

Later on, you can even start asking other questions. I especially love the question WHY.

Asking why I like or dislike certain things or why something frustrates me; helped me move into a much deeper level of self-awareness and self-acceptance.

I learned to be honest with myself, and more importantly, I started to accept myself for who I am.

My confidence skyrocketed, and today, I can share the innermost secret feelings in my heart without fear of rejection.

Finally, I can communicate assertively, deal with conflict and set healthy boundaries. My relationships have never been better, and my life has never been happier.

And all of this is because I discovered the crucial missing puzzle piece.

Start today, build a healthier relationship with yourself, and you will stand amazed at the new direction all your other relationships take.

Talk again soon

Belinda Pieterse — ReDefine