In the intricate choreography of relationships, there are moments when the rhythm falters, leaving us amid a disagreement, grasping for the beat we once shared.

These instances of conflict often leave us puzzled, as if we’re trying to solve a complex puzzle with missing pieces.

To find the missing puzzle pieces, we must discover the hidden root causes that drive our actions during the conflict.

For that to happen, we must understand the power of deeper self-awareness.

The Power of Self-Awareness: Charting a Course to Resolution

Meaningful and helpful self-awareness is knowing and understanding the real reason behind our thoughts, feelings and actions.

It is an in-depth knowledge of why we think and feel the way we do and how it governs our view of ourselves and the world around us.

By understanding why a particular issue triggers unhappiness, we unlock the door to the core problem.

This newfound awareness enables us to address the source rather than only treat the symptoms.

To grow in self-awareness, here are some questions you need to start seeing as your best friend.

Where does this thought or feeling come from — what triggered it?

How does the thought or feeling affect my behaviour?

Why does it affect my behaviour in that specific way?

What is the core belief about myself and the world around me formed by this thought or feeling

And finally, how does the way I see myself influence my relationships?

Freedom in any relationship comes from knowing and understanding yourself first.

Then, we can successfully start putting the missing puzzle pieces together to resolve the conflict in our relationship.

From Conflict to Connection: The Alchemy of Understanding

Unravelling the mysteries of our dissatisfaction isn’t just about peacekeeping; it’s about fostering growth and forging deeper connections.

It is about building an intimate and unbreakable relationship with the one you love.

The turmoil of conflict can serve as a transformative agent, propelling us toward a more profound understanding of ourselves and our partners.

Armed with insights into our emotional landscapes, we can engage in conversations that nurture empathy and mutual understanding, fostering a stronger bond.

By truly listening, understanding, and seeking compromise, we’re sowing the seeds for a relationship grounded in empathy and connection.

Unmasking the Culprits: Root Causes of Conflict

Let’s roll up our sleeves and explore the factors that lay the groundwork for conflict in relational discord:

Fear of Vulnerability: Embracing Authenticity

Fear often steps onto the stage as an uninvited guest, quietly weaving its web of apprehension.

This fear has a name: vulnerability.

It’s the trepidation that if we expose our innermost thoughts, feelings, and insecurities, our partner will judge and reject us.

It’s the instinctive urge to shield ourselves from the potential pain of emotional exposure.

So, we build walls.

Walls that might seem protective but ultimately hinder the free flow of emotions and open communication.

We yearn for our partners to understand us, yet we hesitate to reveal the depths of our souls.

But here’s the thing: Vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness.

It’s a testament to our strength — the courage to stand before someone and say, “This is me, with all my imperfections.”

When we take that step and lower those walls, we open the door to profound connection.

By sharing our fears, dreams, and doubts, we invite our partners into our inner world, fostering an environment of mutual trust and understanding.

Through vulnerability, we give ourselves permission to be authentic and permit our partners to do the same.

It’s like shining a light on the darkest corners of our hearts and discovering that, instead of judgment, there’s compassion waiting.

So, while it’s only natural to fear vulnerability, it’s also important to recognize its transformative power.

Embracing vulnerability is an act of self-empowerment and an investment in the depth of connection we crave.

As we shed the armour of fear, we find the bond we desperately want to forge.

Inner Conflict: The Ripple Effect of Unresolved Issues

Imagine an internal storm brewing silently, only to erupt unexpectedly in the form of a heated argument with your partner.

Inner struggles, if left unaddressed, can trigger conflicts over seemingly trivial matters.

It’s like dropping a stone into the water — the ripples extend far beyond the initial impact.

This chain reaction happens because unresolved personal issues can fuel emotional outbursts that seem unrelated.

To break this pattern, we must courageously confront our internal battles.

By acknowledging the root issue, we can communicate more effectively, nurturing understanding.

Unmet Needs: Bridging the Emotional Gap

Human beings have inherent emotional needs.

We want to feel loved and appreciated.

We want to connect with the one we love and feel safe in our relationship.

When these needs remain unfulfilled, they manifest as a growing frustration that can erupt like a volcano.

A healthy relationship requires open dialogue about these needs, ensuring they are acknowledged and met.

Values Clash: Harmonizing Disparate Worldviews

Our values shape the lens through which we perceive the world.

Our value sets are not only a framework we use to make decisions or thought patterns that guide our behaviour.

Values are the very essence of who we are.

They play a fundamental role in shaping our identity and worldview.

Values are the beliefs and principles we hold to be significant.

They are the things we find worthy of respect, such as honesty, kindness, fairness, loyalty, and courage.

Our values help us make sense of the world around us.

When these values collide, it can lead to disharmony.

However, acknowledging and respecting each other’s perspectives can help build bridges and find common ground.

Unresolved Past Issues: The Lingering Ghosts of Yesterday

Baggage from previous relationships can cast a shadow on our current connections.

Confronting these ghosts head-on can break the cycle of repeating old patterns and create space for healing.

To help you deal with the lingering ghosts from your past, you can read this blog post — How To Deal With Our Negative Beliefs.

I wanted to elaborate here, but there is too much to share.

I do not want to miss anything important that could help you move beyond the pain from past relationships. Therefore, the link to the blog that covers it in-depth.

Unrealistic Expectations: Balancing Dreams and Reality

Expecting our partners to be mind-readers or fulfil every desire sets the stage for disappointment.

The key is transparent communication about our expectations and a willingness to compromise.

If we do not say what we want or need, we cannot get angry with our partners if they do not fulfil our needs.

It is just not fair.

We must be willing to be authentic and tell them what we expect from them.

External Stressors: Weathering the Storms Together

Life’s challenges can strain even the strongest bonds.

Life happens, and we do not always realize the strain it places on our relationships.

Distinguishing between external stressors and personal conflicts can prevent misplaced blame and provide a united front against life’s storms.

Being honest about where we find ourselves regarding life stressors can help cultivate empathy and understanding.

Communication Breakdowns: Untangling the Web of Misunderstandings

Poor communication can fan the flames of conflict.

The solution lies in active listening, affective expression, and the patience to untangle misinterpretations.

In a Nutshell

Uncovering the root issues, we gain insight into the driving forces behind our conflicts.

Root Issues:

• Fear of Vulnerability
• Inner Conflict
• Unmet Needs
• Values Clash
• Unresolved Past Issues
• Unrealistic Expectations
• External Stressors
• Communication Breakdowns

The keys to resolving these issues in a relationship:

Self-awareness

Open and honest communication

Armed with this understanding, we can transform moments of discord into opportunities for empathy and deeper connection.

Remember, the journey begins with understanding yourself; from there, you can embark on a shared journey of mutual respect and lasting love.

Talk again soon

Belinda Pieterse — ReDefine